What’s Up Readers!?!

I’m so glad to be writing on here again!

First, I want to say thank you for going on this journey with me.

Second, I want to say…it’s really raining outside.  Like it’s ridiculous, but I am so grateful that the only thing we are getting is rain.  It could be a lot worse.  Praise Jesus!

Thirdly,…Let’s chat!  I am really interested in talking to you guys about today’s topic.  I just started reading Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D. (Like I really have time to be reading for leisure!)  I haven’t made it out of the introduction yet (it’s 22 pages, dense and I have a 9 year old who is stir crazy from being in the house for two days straight) but this idea of living in cycles is an interesting thought process for me.

It’s more so talking about living through your cycles.  “What cycles”, you ask? The cycles that define who we are, what we are doing and where we are going at any point in time.  For instance, knowing the exact moment when to cut someone off, begin a new venture or to just stop and enjoy the roses is a way of living in or through cycles.  I know that it may seem rather elementary, but have you ever felt like your woman’s intuition was on the fritz?  Like every decision you made in a season of your life was heavily laced with self-doubt and uncertainty?  Or even that your connection with God was lacking in every area?  The answer is…YES!  We all have gone through times like the ones I just asked about.  Moreover, we all have felt stifled and diminished in some form, shape or fashion.  And, if you are a woman of color, the answer is doubly YES!  The Wild Woman in you, not to be confused with feral or unkempt, but the actual woman in you who follows her keen instincts, wants to be free.  Ask me how I know…

I’ve been trying to decide and figure out a major life decision for the past 3-4 weeks.  The thought of making this decision has left me full of self-doubt, fear, sadness, physical illness, literal anxiety and more.  But let me tell you, I’m going to end up listening to the initial instinct and gut feeling I had at the moment the issue came into play.  The reason I’m going to do this is because often times when I have done something other than follow my initial instinct regarding a situation I regret it big time.  I have learned to trust my instincts and my intuition more and more over time because she is tried and true. (That was the answer to the “Ask me how I know…)  In the business world, men are told to use their gut, but women should think carefully about their choices and next steps.  In relationships, men are told to use their instincts to assess if they have found the one, but women are told to think logically.  In society, women who follow their instincts are crazy.   The lie detector test determined, “That was a lie!”

We have to trust our gut!  As a woman of faith, this gut, instinct, intuition and Wild Woman theme is divinely connected to the Holy Ghost.  I believe this with all of my being and here’s why…

Point number one: If you are constantly feeding yourself with the word, communing with and in relationship with God, your instinct becomes connected to the Spirit.  That is to say your thoughts and beliefs will begin to align with God.  Instead of seeking some awe inspiring moment with God, sign after sign after sign, and confirmation after confirmation, we can trust that we already hear the voice of the genuine in us and can make decisions based on what Creator God has already revealed to and in us.  Therefore, our instincts become wrapped up in the thoughts and the will of God.  If this is true and you follow this frame of thought, why wouldn’t you follow your gut feeling?  I’m not saying that there won’t be some things that you really need to seek God for and pray over, but honestly, God gives us the gift of discernment and if we are doing what we are supposed to be doing, our discernment should be on point and in line with the plan God has for us.  For today’s purposes we are calling that instinct.

Point number B (LOL): If you’re a person who looks to be grounded by the earth or in things that are concrete and constant, you will seek answers guided by nature.  This is perfect because the whole Wild Woman theme points to the fact that you are guided by that which you are connected to.  If you are connected to the earth, you will seek and make decisions that will be life giving and awe inspiring.  There’s no way you can truly be connected to the earth and not be totally enthralled with the cycle of things.  Leaves change colors, fall off the branch, and are born again in the next season.  Cycles!!!!  Additionally, God made the earth and gave it the power to create and give life, so if you are connected to the earth, you’re connecting to the word of God and the Wild Woman in you is what?…Still guided by the Holy Spirit because the Spirit is God!  Did you follow that?  No?  Read Genesis 1:11-13.  God gives the earth the ability through the Word to create living things.  If you are connected to earth you are connected to the very word of God.  Exegesis or Eisegesis?  I don’t know, but that’s the word.

Ok are you convinced yet?  No?  Keep reading…

Point Letter 3 (Am I driving you crazy yet?): This one is quick, but it’s not for the super holy, so if that is you, skip to the next section.  Are you a person driven by the visceral?  Do you perhaps believe in “The Divine” or “The Universe”?  This Wild Woman theme and living through your cycles is for you too.  People who tell you that you are crazy for believing in an unnamed higher deity don’t know the power of being guided by things that they can’t see or touch.  And while I’m personally a Jesus Freak, I totally get this notion.  When you connect to something that is greater than you, you begin to adopt a worldview that is no longer focused on little old you, but on the larger picture.  When you can see the larger picture it is easier for you to see your place in the world so when it comes time to make a decision, your decisions are guided by the deep feelings of  togetherness and divine order.  Your instincts become wrapped up in the common good and thus you make good decisions.  Ok maybe that was a reach, but it’s definitely interesting…right?

Ok so anyway, I believe I have ranted long enough to let you know that I am already sold on this book and the idea of continuing to follow my instincts especially since they are deeply rooted in my beliefs.  I’m looking forward to finishing this book, but for now it’s back to Old Testament readings for week 5…

Ta-Ta For Now!

So, I’ve been meaning to get back on here and tell you all how Divinity School has been going.

This has been a STRUGGLE!  I’m working full-time and attending Grad School full-time and parenting all the time.  *Insert exhausted face emoji here*  This life and experience is not for the weak or the faint of heart.  Okuuuurt!

Today, as I’m typing this blog post for a class, (how cool is that?!?) I am thinking about my journey to this point.  “How did I get here?”  “What in God’s name have I gotten myself into?”  “Did I do the right thing?”  There are too many questions, but I go ahead and turn on Howard Thurman’s audio, What Do You Want, Really, to begin my assignment and in the first minute and a half I’m completely struck by Thurman’s words.  He says, “Sometimes the voice is muted.  Sometimes telling us of hopes unrealized and dreams that will not rest until they incarnate themselves in us.  All the while they pull back, but they will not let us go.”

That’s exactly how I got here.  A dream.  As a matter of fact, it was a series of dreams.  Dreams that I could not explain, but could not shake.  I tried to ignore the soft, almost completely inaudible voice to reach out to who I like to call my “Mamas” to help me decipher what the dream meant.  I was wholeheartedly consumed by the words and visions in my dreams.  As the details began to fade, I prayed and asked God to really help me see and understand what those dreams meant.

Fast forward.  Showing up for Divinity School Orientation was an act of God.  I got in my car happy to be on my way.  I called my mother to talk to her as I do some mornings.  We had a good conversation, but when I hung up I felt an overwhelming urge to turn around and go home.  Now ain’t that crazy?!?  Honey, I felt nuts.  My Great Grandmothers were well steeped in God’s word.  My Grandad is a Bishop.  My parents are ministers.  I have been in church all my life.  I work full-time at the church.  Why would I want to go into the ministry?  Why am I shaking up my life to do this?

As it turns out, the reason I made it to orientation was because of “the sound of the genuine” in me.  I unknowingly had been wrestling with this call for the past few years.  An urge to go deeper with God plagued me.  I say plagued because I had conflicting agendas: The plan God has for me vs. the ideas and goals I have for myself.  Turns out everything, “…my thinking, my dreaming, my struggling…,” was God’s still small voice calling to me.  At the core, my truest self that was designed in the image of God,  longed to be in a place and to do a thing that allowed me to be vulnerable and a blessing to others all at the same time.  It’s like my homie Thurman says in The Sound of the Genuine (we’re totes friends now), “I want to feel completely vulnerable, completely naked, completely exposed and absolutely secure.”  That’s exactly how I feel when I am in the middle of leading Praise & Worship, and when I’m in the office at church working on projects.  And this may sound completely nuts to those of you who haven’t tried to listen to the voice of God that lives in you or the sound of the genuine, but I am everyday okay with waiting to hear from the muted voice.  It’s only muted because I have cluttered my heart and mind with things that are totally irrelevant to my purpose.  Each day that I listen, it grows stronger.  I become less sure of myself, but way more confident that God has me on the right path.  And even though I may cry or feel insecure in my flesh on this journey, it’s only because of the voice of God that I am making my way in this new calling.

Take a listen to this video and tell me what you think.

Hopefully, if you made it to this blog, you already know a little bit about me.  My name is Jasmine, single parent, 3 months until I hit the big 30…  I am slightly amused about turning 30 years old.  I start Divinity School in exactly 1 week from today and I can’t help but to feel like “What have I gotten myself into?”

Anyway, today is my last day of vacation before orientation and a crazy work schedule change (keep your fingers crossed about that one).  I am supposed to be sleeping, preparing for the long drive home tomorrow, but instead, I’m up watching 27 dresses after an interesting conversation with an ex-friend.  It’s a bad mix of happenings only because this person is getting married to the person he dated directly after me.  This has happened once before.  It’s a little frustrating to say the least.

As I’m watching this movie though…I’m starting to feel some type of way over a few failed/very bad relationships.  I haven’t been in 27 weddings, but the feelings are all there.  I’m sitting here questioning everything.  What could I have done better?  Were some of these relationships just necessary to learn something about myself and the world?  Did I miss out on “The One”?  Will I ever get married?  As a soon to be Divinity Student and committed Christian I’m supposed to say things like, “God is going to fill this void I’m feeling”, “I’m devoted to God”, and my all-time favorite “Jesus is my boyfriend!”  GIRL PLEASE!!!!  I’m a single woman headed to 30 and I often times feel completely alone.  Why is that?  If I had the answers I wouldn’t be writing this crazy blog!

All I know is that I long for a committed relationship with a guy who can walk this crazy thing called life with me.  Someone who knows how important God and church are to me.  Someone who will be a good fit with my daughter.  Someone who will laugh at my corny jokes and not get mad when I call them mean names (out of love of course).

I’m learning, though, to be content.  Not content in one of those, “I’m waiting on my Boaz” cliches (because if you really read that passage you would know how insane it is to want that type of situation).  I’m more so just trying to trust God with my life.  Honestly, honestly, really just believing that God is doing His good work on my future boo.  I know that my guy will be fine, intelligent, loyal, faithful, supportive and all mine.  Until then, I’m promising myself that I won’t reflect on those tragic relationships if it’s going to bring me down.  I will only remind myself of the lessons I’ve learned, and that God is still in the husband blessing business. Okuuuuurrrrt!

Y’all sleep well.

Jas Sings