Tag: clergymama

I’m Not Your SuperWoman: Black Women Need Real Friends

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L to R: My real friend, Shemiah; My broke bestie, Haley;

I love my friends. My real friends. The ones who will drop everything and fly down to lay eyes on me kind of friends. These are the kind of friends that Black women need. Black women need the kind of friends that can hear in your voice that you’re not ok for real.

I know this because I’ve definitely been the friend who rarely tells people that the stress I’m under is taking me out. The past few years I’ve learned to be more open and honest about how I’m feeling and what I need. That has been helpful to my newer friends in understanding me and I think it has helped them to open up about their own lives as well.

So many people talk about the “Strong Black Woman” archetype. We all know that it is a farce. Women in other races aren’t posed with an idea of what they should be able to endure as an every day badge of honor. But Black women, we are supposed to bear the children, lead in the workplace, overcome all adversity, beat illness and disease all while looking fine and staying moisturized! We know it’s time out for that. We know we can’t do it all. Matter of fact, we don’t want to do it all. But we often find ourselves in situations where we are the ones picking up the pieces.

Black women are the most educated minority. We make less money than most while doing the same work if not more. We are less likely to be married or partnered, more likely to be the breadwinners, and more likely to still live below the poverty line. There’s a lot of things coming at us, so when we’re not okay, we need our people to at least say a prayer and let us know that they’re thinking of us.

If you’re not the friend who is able to hop on a plane (because resources and time are limited…didn’t I just say we we have degrees but our funds don’t match?) or drive to visit your girl who is struggling then drop her a voice text, send her a card, shoot CashApp the bestie $10 for coffee/treats, pick up the phone and let her know she’s not alone.

That’s right, call your friend right now and tell her that she’s amazing but if she’s not feeling amazing that’s ok. Give her some encouraging words. But most importantly, listen. Listen to what’s going on with her, pray with her, hear her, sit in the silence and the tears with her. Let her know she’s not in this thing alone. Because Black women need real friends. Friends who will take a moment to really check in. Friends who will be vulnerable. Friends who don’t expect perfection, or strength, just humanity.

Black women need real friends.

How are you showing up as a friend?

“You’re Okay”: Inspired by Life & Netflix Movie, “Look Both Ways”

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I’ve often felt like I’m in a movie. Maybe that’s my main character energy, but it’s true. And I’m not talking about a glamorous movie. I’m talking the kind of movie where the girl keeps hitting bumps in the road, obstacle after obstacle, painful to watch heartbreaks, bad choices, and tons of character development. Still there’s one thing that I have believed about my life, much like the plot of “Look Both Ways,” is that no matter what obstacles I face – I’m right where I’m supposed to be and I’m okay.

There were times in my life that I made choices that I thought would change the entire trajectory of my life. That whatever was out there was going to be forfeited because I said yes to one thing over another. I believed that I would forever live with the fear of missing out. And there were indeed things that I missed out on. But the truth of the matter was that I was right where I needed to be.

I honestly don’t think that my life would be much different had I chosen a different path. My baby girl is the joy of my life and ministry is my calling. Both are the source of so much good in me. I rarely ever think about what my life would be like without my baby or outside of ministry. And without either, I believe life’s challenges would have still found their way to my doorstep. What I’m trying to say and what I hope you’re understanding is this, whether you look left or go right, you are right where you need to be and you’re gonna be okay. God’s hand is on you and God’s presence is with you.

Many of you know that I recently moved to Atlanta and started a new ministry position. We left a lot of things behind and said our goodbyes. I wrote my resignation letter, packed up our house, said more goodbyes, and we drove off into the sunset – more like the rain and into the night, but who’s fact checking? Since then we have moved into our new apartment, started work and school, begun building relationships, and resumed our random adventures to Target. It’s been a rough few months though. There have been tears and sobbing and random laughs and big hugs. We have traversed this new terrain with wide eyes and slightly broken yet open hearts. The sudden unexppected death of our aunt Blair rocked our world…sent us into a grief we were not aware we could feel. We carry that grief with us as we build a new life here.

Through all of the change and the newness that moving to another state brings, I feel like I am on the precipice of being a new woman, and yet already familiar with who this new woman will be. It’s like a special peace has covered me and that peace lets me know that I would have gotten here regardless of which road I would have taken. That all is well even if it feels overwhelming, scary, but still so exciting. Through the work of the Spirit in my life, I’ve decided that I’m supposed to be here, doing what I’m doing, learning, leading, and growing. In no way do I feel like I have arrived, but I do feel settled in the unsettledness (Is that a word? Unsettledness…). The pieces are still coming together, and some days are harder than others, but there’s more good on the horizon. More peace, more joy, more character development. I’m right where I’m supposed to be and I’m okay. We’re okay.

It’s not easy to do what we’ve done and yet people pick up and leave their homes to start new lives in exciting places everyday. The work of building a new life is hard, however the rewards are endless. The tenacity you find in yourself, the resilience, the grit…they all show up to the party ready to make this thing work. Adversity unlocks your true character. Maybe you’re wondering, “What adversity are you facing Jasmine? It’s just a move and a new job!” Moving, starting a new job, losing a loved one, starting a new school, leaving people behind all cause unprecedented levels of stress. Some are good stressors and others are negative stressors. We’ve done all of those in the past month. I’ve felt withdrawn and desperate for company multiple times a day. We’ve cried and cried laughing. But nothing deters me from this reminder: We are right where we are supposed to be and we are okay.

The Spirit is at work in all things. I hope that you can look back over the movie of your life and see that God had your back all along. That God held your hand. That you were loved. That you are right where you’re supposed to be. That you are okay. That you are loved.

With Gratitude for all of the places we’ve been and our lives ahead of us,

JasSings

Psalm 139:7-14 NKJV

Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
8 If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
9 If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall on me,”
Even the night shall be light about me;
12 Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
But the night shines as the day;
The darkness and the light are both alike to You.

13 For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.

Cue The Transformation

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July 29, 2020

Getting to the root of who you are and what you’re capable of will change you.
Period.
Full stop.

You can’t tap into the very thing that will allow you to operate at your best without making some changes. Living into your essence will make you quit some things, leave some things, pick up new things and ultimately be who you are truly called to be.

This work requires access to the Holy Spirit though. The Spirit will lead you and guide you. Prune you and nurture you. Strip you and rebuild you.

So be aware and beware. Do not start this process if you aren’t ready to change.

But if you’re ready, go ahead…
Cue the Transformation!!!

Cue the Basics…

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The real blessing of success is that it doesn’t always take grand gestures to reach it. 

Here’s what I mean. 

Success comes when you wake up everyday and complete the basics. The basics are the foundation of success. They are simple steps that will eventually build you a staircase to the goals and dreams you have been trying to reach. 

The building blocks of the basics are as follows:

B – Believe – Believe that it’s possible first. If you don’t believe that it’s possible then you will fight against yourself from the very start. 

A – Attitude of Gratitude – Be thankful every day that you wake up and have another chance to at your goals

S – Strategize – Every goal deserves a plan. There will be times that you are able to fly by the seat of your pants. But when you sit down and strategize, it gets rid of most of the guesswork and the chaos that comes with along with trying to figure things out as you go.

I – Intentionality – Do every thing with the intentionality. 90% of what you do should be focused on your goals. Every task, action and thought must be intentionally focused on how it will get you to the desired goal or dream.

C – Courage – Along with Intentionality, Courage must ooze from every step you take. It takes courage to step out on faith. It takes courage to ask for help. It takes courage to wake up everyday to repeat the BASICS when other people in your life start to criticize you or completely stop talking to you. Have Courage! Be Courageous!

S – Strive/Seek – But strive first for the kingdom of God and God’s righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well Matthew 6:33 NRSV or But seek ye first the Kingdom of God and God’s righteousness and all these things will be added unto you Matthew 6:33 KJV. This one should be first really. Before you start looking to get anything else, strive after God and God’s will for your life. If God’s kingdom reigns supreme in your life…there will be no limit to what you can do or where you can go.

Cue the Basics!

Cue the Faith

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July 3, 2020

…It’s Friday!

Typically, people have a tendency to put the plan down, to stop working and to start their weekend early.

Here’s the thing, Friday’s are not a time to ease up. The grind requires that we stay focused on our goals. The grind says that everyday is an opportunity to wake up and do something good. The grind should remind you that today is just as good as any day to get the work done.

BUT if we are only focused on the grind…we will lose.

Lose what?

Our minds possibly. Our hope that things will come to pass. Our passion.

That’s why the grind requires faith. Faith pushes us to a thing. When we activate our faith in conjunction to the grind, we can move mountains. When we have faith in God we are able to wake up most days and say…

“God, you got this!” “God, I trust you to turn my grind into a favorable outcome!” “God, my faith is in You, so pour out your promises on me!”

Faith without works is dead, so works without faith have to be empty actions.

We celebrated and cued the confetti…
We planned so we cued the grind…
But we will have nothing to celebrate and
the plan will be null and void
if we don’t

CUE THE FAITH!!!

Cue the Grind…

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July 2, 2020

…It’s a new day.
Yesterday was a time to celebrate and imagine what the rest of 2020 should look like.

But today…

Today is the first day of a new grind. Today’s the day you should start working the plan.

Don’t have a plan?

Make one!

Where do you see yourself in the next six months? Who do you want to be? Who do you want to take with you? Who needs to change directions? What will your outcome be?

But most importantly…

Why do you want it?

This is going to make all the difference.

Your why will keep you focused when your world is in chaos.

So Cue the Confetti but don’t forget to
CUE THE GRIND!

Lament 23: A Psalm 23 Re-write because nothing makes sense

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Lament 23 – Jasmine Katrice Version (JKV)

1 The Lord is my shepherd – but sometimes my needs aren’t met

2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters – but somehow, I don’t feel peace

3 He restoreth my soul: Only to lead me into darker paths for his name’s sake – a lot of people do a lot of things in your name and a lot of those things have harmed us and caused irreparable damage.

4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear all the evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me – but will they protect me?

5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies – I’m afraid to sit down. Thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over with fear.

6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life but it will never catch up to me and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever at the hands of the evil walking, living and breathing in a world you created.

Dear God, what are you gonna do about this?

Yea Though I Walk Through The Valley of The Shadow of Death…I Will Fear All The Evil

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Oluwatoyin Salau

I’m having a hard time this early morning. Not because it’s early, but because the world I live in is evil. It’s not just among the gutters of systemic racism and the actors who continuously perpetuate it. The evil isn’t only present in the school to prison pipeline or the prison industrial complex. I’m not just talking about the evil that causes Black mothers and birthers to receive far less care from doctors and OBGYN’s during childbirth. Nor I am only alluding to the evil that spews from the gun triggers of racist white or complicit cops into the countless bodies of my Black siblings. Not even the hands, knees or holds that choke us out of our last breaths. Nah not those.

I’m talking about the evil that is present amongst us in the Black Church. The form of evil that allows Black male pastors to act like the oppressors in one of the few places we as a people should freely love and care for one another. I’m talking about the evil that stares us in the face when our Black boys and girls are allowed to live in dangerous and violent homes because their daddy is the head deacon. I’m talking about the evil that’s complicit with looking over the Black women and girls and children who need its care the most.

We are walking through the valley of the shadow of death these days and honestly…I fear all of the evil.

I’m also talking about the evil that takes place when our sons and daughters are told that instances of sexual abuse, assault, incest and molestation are their fault. The evil that prevails when Black women trust a Black man to look out for them but he instead takes advantage of her.

Even more-so, I’m talking about the evil that prevails when Black women turn a blind eye to the peril taking place in another Black woman’s life.

I know what I’ve read about Oluwatoyin Salau. Her story is not a standalone issue. It is, however, a single drop in a bucket full of similar and even more horrific stories. Stories where women have been deceived. Not cared for. Overlooked. Thrown away. Ignored. Defiled.

Killed.

Murdered by hands with skin the same color as her own.

I sometimes, and dreadfully say that I expect this type of thing from someone of a different race because they don’t value us in the first place.

But when your spiritual and physical death comes by the hands of those you trusted because you were skin kin…I have a loss for words.

Black Women…All we got is us.

We gotta look out for each other. We gotta stand up for each other.

Black Men…You gotta do better.

You gotta stop taking what’s not yours. Stop using your power to hold us down.

Black People…We gotta speak out. We gotta stop acting like this evil world loves us and love ourselves.

All this evil. I see it. I hear it. I feel it. I fear it.

Sure God has not given us a spirit of fear…

…but what happens when we trust God with our lives? With the lives of our children and our loved ones? What happens when we trust God and bad things happen? What happens when we devote our lives to standing up for God’s creation within the Black community and are killed by the hands of those we are fighting for?

I just don’t know anymore. I sit with the questions knowing I may never have the answers. But I do know that God’s integrity is on the line. I keep hearing my friend and sister Janiece Williams, MDiv., say this in my head.

“God, your integrity is on the line.”

You can’t keep letting this happen to us, to our friends or to our family.

God, what are you gonna do about this?

“Looking For My Last Intense Love”

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I haven’t done so hot in this arena truth be told. I usually end up with guys who love and care about me but who have varying fundamental differences that ultimately make us incompatible. It’s tough because at my age I have begun feeling and hearing the tick of my internal clock. And I know I’m young, but Haley so kindly reminded me that once I reach 34/35 in 2 – 3 years, a pregnancy will be considered high risk. I’m over her and bad dating connections!

Dating while parenting is super tricky. I have to remember to set a good example and to think through my dating choices with supreme scrutiny. I can’t get swept up too soon or fall in love with reckless abandonment or throw caution to the wind (things that my personality would prefer to do) because I have to think about the entire picture. It’s not just about my life. It’s about my daughters life too. Will she be comfortable with him? Will they get along? Will I be comfortable with him taking a parental role in her life? Will the dynamic change too drastically to make a blended family work? So many cautionary thoughts plague me, yet I keep putting myself out there. Why?

I recently told a guy in response to him saying that he was intense, “LOL I’m a Scorpio, I live for intense. I’m just looking for my last intense love that’s all.” That text packed so much truth for me. Way more truth than I initially realized I was sharing.

While I don’t subscribe to the in’s and out’s of astrology, I have found one thing to be true: People born under “Scorpio” have intense personalities. Something about them draws you in. And likewise, they are drawn into intense connections. They do many things in extremes especially when it comes to love. What my text revealed for me is that my love relationships have to be intense in order for me to even be interested. There has to be an intensity about the person. He has to be passionate about something and enjoy throwing himself into his interests and goals. I can just about name every real relationship that I have been in was with someone who was intense.

That text also revealed that I’m done playing games for real. That I’m not even getting involved with you if this can’t be it for us. I want that last intense love. I want to know that my person, who ever he is, isn’t turned off by my desire to love him and to be loved as fully and as humanly possible. I don’t want excuses, I don’t want waiting games and or even a rush to the finish line (marriage), I just want a guy who is ready for what I have to offer.

That level of intensity poses a problem though. You guessed it, I’m a mama. A future clergymama at that. That intensity might work for us in a bubble, but I don’t know how that works with Haley because it’s blown up in my face twice now. Two intense relationships that ultimately didn’t last because there was more to the story than just us. Thankfully, it wasn’t because Haley couldn’t or didn’t fit into the picture but because we couldn’t reconcile our energy in ways that were conducive to a successful relationship. Yes, everything about being and wanting an intense relationship isn’t good. Sometimes you don’t know when to stop arguing or how to let something go. Sometimes you get tunnel vision and miss the fact that you and that person don’t even have the same moral standards. Sometimes you get so sucked into the light that it burns you.

That level of extreme draw and magnetism can hurt you. So, I have trouble dating while parenting because I’m like a moth to a flame. But there’s still something very alluring to me about the passion and shear joy that comes along with finding your forever person, someone who will throw themselves into being with you as much as you throw yourself into being with them.

As a future clergymama, this packs a double whammy for me. I’m already deeply devoted to ministry in ways I never knew were possible. Will I have more to give? Will they understand my devotion to God’s service and to the service of others? Will he be interested in supporting that? Or will it just be for me? Of course I want someone who is supportive of the work I will do within the church but I also want them to have their own thing if ministry is not their calling.

Ultimately, I trust God to lead me because God has this love thing on lock. And the way God loves me so intensely, I know that there is a human version of that somewhere out there for me.

A Couple of Prayers

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Today, I just want to share a list of prayers I have been saving and praying throughout my life, pandemic and mostly recently protesting

God of the Ghetto,
Who dwells in the margins,
Who hears the cries of the oppressed—sees their affliction because of their oppressors, feels their pain,
God who breaks bows and shatters spears,
Who brings chaos to heel with a word,
Who plunders the enslavers,
And leads captives to into wide open spaces with songs of joy,
please protect the rebels tonight – Andre Henry

Dear Lord today, embarrass my enemies, favor my friends, strengthen my circle, fortify my family and increase my reach – Rev. Jamal Bryant

Lord, my prayer is simply to change us where we don’t reflect You – in character and deed. Help us to see the world needs You and Your divine touch to make crooked places straight and barren places flourish. It is Your power in us that enables us to be change agents in the world. Equip us for these days ahead and You will be glorified for the victory that’s on its way. Go in peace my friends, taking the love and power of Our Lord Jesus Christ with you. Amen. Annetrice Hewitt